Snow Balls and Sunshine

Today was one of those days you want to etch in your memory.  Figuring out activities that everyone enjoys AND that Jaxon (NingNing) might enjoy as well as promoting bonding and attachment with us has proved one of the biggest challenges thus far. Last week, we got 10 inches of snow and school was out Thursday and Friday.

We visited one of Jaxon's friends yesterday and the other dad took some of the kids sledding while Jr and I went to Judi's basketball tourney.  The two boys, Zane and Jaxon, decided not to go.  Granted, it was pretty cold, but the other kids had a great time.  The boys spent their time "together" on their individual Ipods!  Like when kids are sitting next to each other, but text instead of talk.....

Then today, it warmed up very nicely, into the 40s.  On our way home from church, Jaz wanted a FSF, or Family Snow Fight.  So when we got there, Ning headed for his room, but everyone encouraged him and wheedled for him to come out, for "just a little bit", and he DID!  I thought he might, as he really does seem to enjoy playing in the snow, as long as it's not too cold.  He and I had fun slinging snowballs at each other (I was happy to show him my fun, silly side).  Then Jax and James built a "wall" of snow with shields and Dad and I pelted them from above.  Jaxon decided to be tough and shed his coat with all the activity, but did opt for gloves :).

Then all the kids decided to bury James in snow......and I grabbed the camera, as it is still so rare to snag a photo of Jaxon. After a couple hours, we all came in to warm up with a steaming cup of hot cocoa, something else we've found Jaxon loves!

Jax and Jaz
 

James was getting a little cold by this time!
 

Six Months!

Gong Xi Fa Cai!  or Happy Chinese New Year to all!
Goodness, time has flown...I didn't realize it'd been so long since I posted last.  January was a month of roller coaster emotions and events and on February 8th, we celebrated SIX months with NingNing!  We finally realized a lot of NingNing's issues this month is control....or the loss of it in particular.  There, other than going to school, and checking in with his foster family once in awhile, Ning (and friends) were pretty much allowed free rein.  They could do what they wanted, when they wanted for the most part. Here, we have control over every single aspect of his life.  Here, teachers email the parents with issues.  Here, we tell him when to go to bed, when to get up, when to brush teeth, where he is every minute of every day.  I know if I were suddenly thrust into this kind of situation, I would feel somewhat resentful and rebellious too! 
NingNing did start piano lessons, something he's asked for since coming home.  He seems to be enjoying it thoroughly and picking it up very quickly.

James continues to play varsity basketball; their team has an excellent record for a team with almost all sophomore starters.  We so enjoy watching him play and the whole team improve as the season winds down.  A couple games this week and we're off to Districts!

Jessica was nominated for Homecoming Queen in this, her senior year!  She did not win, but she looked beautiful in her royal blue dress.  She was extremely nervous, but carried it off like a champ.  This semester she's taking two college credit courses and is all set to head off to college in the fall, except that Mom still has tons of paperwork to fill out!

NingNing continues to be the most bonded with our little ones, Jaz and Judi.  He's really begun to enjoy doing things with Jazmin more as time goes on...she's so mature for her age and is a tomboy with a girly edge, so I think their personalities mesh well.  It's funny to watch them mess with each other and then to see them cuddled close on the couch together or the girls will drape themselves on NingNing and he never seems to mind very much.  Lately, he's also been making small gestures of affection to Jr, which is tremendous....he's not initiated any physical contact up to this point.

On Jan. 27th, we went to the Sanders' church and, with others, spoke on the topic of adoption.  We heard many wonderful testimonies about the different ways families can be built.  We let Ning spend the night with his friend (a gamble considering his recent difficulties), but afterwards he seemed to have a brighter outlook (at least until we had to get into some homework issues) and was trying more, though that is also when we reached out for attachment advice and support.

Today we had an amazing day for Chinese New Year!  We found a Chinese Christian church through some professor friends at UCM in our town and attended today.  It is a home church, but you could feel the faith of the people was SO strong and they spend a great deal of time studying the Bible in depth. It was a great environment to teach NingNing more about Christianity in an atmosphere he could understand.  We were made very welcome and they had a potluck afterwards with "authentic" Chinese food...it was incredible and I think NingNing appreciated some real "home" food. We also hoped it would allow him some comfort to be around his own language (and we got a taste of how Ning must feel every day - being the "different" ones) and open up a little more.  After eating, several college students from UCM showed up and we did a gift exchange and played Jenga.  I was happy to see NingNing participate willingly in all this and just have a good time.  They have this church once a month, and I think our professor friends will be terrific mentors and role models for NingNing.

Our school has arranged additional tutoring for NingNing after schools starting tomorrow to continue working on English, perhaps homework, cultural issues, and anything else they can think of.  It will make for a long day for him, but we're happy the school continues to work so hard in helping NingNing have the support he needs to be successful in school, something he didn't get in China.

This is my favorite picture so far!

James-to the left of #22 (facing you)

NingNing waiting for the game to be over so he can go home!

Our #20!

Ont eh

Emotions and Grieving

It is the hardest thing for a mom to see her children in pain, whether that pain be internal or external.  Perhaps, though, internal is worse, because you can't put a bandaid and ointment on it, give them a kiss, and make it all better.  And when you have NO IDEA of the inner turmoil an adopted child is experiencing, it is heartwrenching.  As NingNing works through some grieving issues (to protect his privacy, I won't go into intimate details), we struggle to understand and sympathize with him.

NingNing has the hardest time letting his emotions show.  For the first 4 and a half months, he did everything he could to NOT rock the boat.  He let us make all the choices for him, haul him hither and yon, put him in school, and generally didn't make waves.  And around Thanksgiving time, the "maintaining" started to crack a little, then a little more, and then a little more, until some real emotions finally pushed their way to the surface last Friday night.

It was a quiet breakthrough, but a breakthrough nonetheless.  No tantruming, no raging; his way is to shut the world and everyone in it...out.  We attempted to help him say how he was feeling, but I imagine that type of overwhelming emotion that is so strong you can't hold it in, simply cannot be put into simple words. We let him know we loved him, and were sorry he was sad, but that it was ok to have those feelings and miss parts of his China life. So many new things for him, new experiences, new everything.  And while we think it is all good and so much better than he had in China, to him it may not be.  People sometimes say these kids, especially the older ones, should be grateful.  Why??  Even if it is their decision to sign those papers, it is still a choice they make because they HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE.  So is that really a choice at all then?  And they don't get to choose their family; they have no say in who adopts them.  They have the ability to refuse to sign the adoptions papers in China, but when you've known someone for less than 24 hours, that's not exactly the basis for an "informed" decision.

We think he's done a remarkable job at finding his place in our family and figuring out all the dynamics involving a large family, navigating school, dealing with more rules than he's ever had in his whole life, and learning a whole new culture and language.  In the meantime, we'll just keep on loving him and have the "bandaids" handy.

Christmas Happenings 2012

Handsome boy!

NingNing's first Christmas Day was amazing.  Christmas Eve we all went to church, then to Applebee's for dinner.  Everyone was dressed up, even NingNing.  I managed to get a side shot, but that's all he allowed.

Christmas Day was even better. NingNing enjoyed all his gifts very much, especially the Ipod Touch, which he kissed upon opening.  We even got real kisses and hugs for that!  Another neat thing is we got him a K'nex set and he and Jr built this huge thing from it, but now won't let anyone take it apart to make anything else!

Christmas Eve Angry Bird pajamas!

The K'nex masterpiece!

He spoke a lot of English on Christmas Day, so now we know it's in there, he's just choosing when and where to use it.  At one point, he smacked his finger on one of his presents and mock moaned and groaned and said "oh my beautiful finger!!".  That cracked us all up and he and James could not look at each other without laughing.

Jessica got her Nook!

My "Mom" pin from NingNing

We finished up the holiday by spending the night in the city while our kids spent the night with friends (NingNing and James stayed with Seth's family) for our anniversary.  Had a quiet New Year's Eve at home with the kids; NingNing is going through a melancholy stage of post-Christmas letdown, missing his friends, boredom, and lack of sleep.  Also think he had some sensory overload from the busy days we had before New Year's, so he's been staying in his room more to get some quiet.  School starts back tomorrow, so it will be nice to get everyone back in the swing of things.  We also found a piano teacher for NingNing and he starts on the 8th of January; he is looking forward to that!  Hope everyone's holiday was wonderful; our first Christmas with NingNing truly couldn't have been better and he has decided he likes Christmas VERY much!

A Picture-Populated Post!

I was thinking of the secretary in the movie Mr.  Popper's Penguins , the one who starts almost all her words with the letter "P".  We are counting down to the Christmas program on the 20th.  For those who haven't read my earlier posts, NingNing's got a Xmas concert coming up.  He doesn't/didn't want to do it when he found it and got very mad/afraid/upset.  He "disappeared" inside himself for a few days, but has made a comeback :).  I had to bring it up again Friday to let him know we had to buy dress clothes for him, whether he chooses to sit with us in the audience or participate.  In any case, he will look good doing it, as we got shoes, pants, and a shirt (the nice shirt was his request, so maybe, just maybe there is hope ;).
The last few days he has been making a huge effort to communicate more with us, trying to actually tell us something or join in conversation with some carefully placed phrases, timed in such a way as to crack everybody up.  He has said "I don't like it",
"I don't know" (with a shrug and wide-eyed innocent look), "crazy" (referring to Dad and little sisters), "Mom", and "Ewwwww" (in reference to seeing his brother kiss his girlfriend, lol!).  We caught him out twice today also much to his amusement.  We were talking about something in Taco Bell, and he had the "I don't understand" look on his face....I said  "he knows what we're saying"....and he chuckled and nodded.  Then tonight, Jr says "Do you understand English?" to which NingNing says "No!" (see it yet?).  Jr says "If you don't understand English, how did you know to say NO?!"......NingNing grinning, dropping and shaking his head...he walked right into that one!  Too funny.......but we know he can understand A LOT now, so if we need to talk about something to do with him, we have to leave the room so he can't hear us!

Two of my special girls

My littlest special girl (who is an electronic whiz)

Teenage boys....need I say more?

NingNing loves our cat, Tux.  Here, he is trying to get Tux out from under the table!

Opening his first Christmas present (while keeping tabs on his computer game).  My aunt sends Christmas ornaments every year and the kids always love them.  NingNing was no exception.  When he opened his to find a jumbo jet, he got the point right away and laughed and laughed.  She wrote him a beautiful note, welcoming him to the family, which I read to him. 

Here it is...look right in front of his hand..it's a jumbo jet, symbolic of his journey across the ocean!

At one of James' basketball games

Same game...what a cutie (wouldn't he be embarrassed to read this?!)





Teaching the cat, Tux, and NingNing to play Phase 10

Jazmin's sweet little beagle, Brownie

4 months since Gotcha

4 months has passed.  Such a short amount of time, but when I think about it, it hardly seems we were ever in China, except that now we have our second son.

So where are we after 4 months?  Let's see.......
English........not happening as we'd hoped.  Ok, so I had SOME expectations that there'd be at least a measure of rudimentary communication by now.  I didn't take into account one's refusal to use English.  Now whether that is a reluctance to a)either draw attention to himself or b) a simple lack of desire to communicate with us (meaning attachment issues?), I don't know.  Teen adoption is a constant guessing game, because they've learned to hide and hold in their feelings.  I wish I could say NingNing trusted us, but the truth is I really don't know for sure.  Is he attaching/bonding?  I can't say yes and I can't say no.  How do you tell in a child who won't share any feelings?  Who tries to be so complacent (though that is changing a bit) so to be as unobtrusive as possible?

School.....it WAS going ok, until NingNing found out they wanted him to do the Christmas program with the other 8th graders.  The very idea sent him into a tailspin, so the school requested at the very least that he be present, but that he could sit in the audience with us.  We brought an interpreter in to try to understand his fear about the program.  We didn't find out a lot, just that the idea of having to perform in front of so many strangers has him completely stressed out.  He's just not ready for something like that.  After "disappearing" into himself all weekend, we saw some smiles tonight when we went to a friend's party. It's great to see when he relaxes and allows himself to have fun and let his guard down.  Most likely, we will go long enough for him to watch his classmates from the audience (unless he surprises us and agress to stand with his class), and then scooch out of there.

Siblings.....ok there, except that I think that James still intimidates NingNing somewhat.  Sometimes Ning is ready to take him on and wrestle and other nights, not.  Like most teens, Ning runs hot and cold.  What I mean is, one time he'll be smiling and having a good time, the next it's like "whoa, what happened?"  His and James' relationship will have to evolve in it's own way.
   Jaz used to be more standoffish with Ning and he with her, but not so much anymore....they are becoming closer with time.
   Judi continues to be his favorite......don't know if it's her spunk or size that draws him in, but they act the most like a "true" brother and sister (complete w bickering/squabbling).  N does think Judi talks too much, and sometimes, we agree!

Christmas.....he's not too interested at this point.  Have no idea what the holidays were like to him in China, if he had any at all.  I'm just about positive he had no Christmas there, so we wanted this first one to be special.  But as he seems more stressed out, we are keeping things pretty lowkey and relaxed. We have explained the idea of Santa Claus and that we keep the idea alive for our girls, and what Christmas day is about.  We also explained presents, but when asked what he might like as a gift, he says "I don't know"....a very refreshing comment from a teen!

Since we are pretty much out of the honeymoon phase for sure, we're learning to roll with the changes and taking things one day at a time.  Ning's pushing a few more boundaries to see what we'll do; what he can get away with.  More of his emotions are coming to the surface; we hope that means he's feeling safe and secure enough to express even those small amounts.  We know he is a pretty sensitive kid and there are deep emotions running through that quiet exterior, but he's very skilled at presenting an unruffled appearance.  He doesn't like to be blindsided; likes to know what's coming up...seems to work better if he knows what's coming and has time to process it in his mind.

It's like a ballroom dance, with no one real sure of the steps.  Sometimes we step on each other's toes, but the important thing is to keep dancing.

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'........

keep those wagons rollin'...Raawhiiiide!  I think this should be our motto for life......just keep those wagons rolling, up hills and down, through the valleys, fording small streams (the little problems of life) or the deep rivers (bigger issues), to come out on the other side ready to continue the journey.

Basketball games have begun, so our evenings are full fitting in dance, games, Christmas events, etc.  James is starting varsity this year as a sophomore and Jr and I love to watch him play; it's always great to watch your kids do well at something they enjoy.  We hope to convince NingNing to play baseball, basketball, or even both, if only to get him out doing something and off the computer.  I think I've lined up a piano teacher, so that will add to the mix in January.
Judi's doing great in her basketball and has finally grown enough to make baskets with no trouble.  Amazing what a year and a couple of inches make!  Jazmin is also doing basketball this year and has started practices with games in January. 
Jessica's been accepted to State Fair Community College and will use the A+ program to start her college career there; in her words, she is "looking forward to getting out of the house"!    And Jaz has decided she will "move" into Jessica's room when she is not there, lol!

Still can't figure out what really happened during Thanksgiving to NingNing, but he's back to "normal", so to speak.  As December gets into full swing, he's not really taking an interest in Christmas so far.  We went to get our tree this last Sunday (we go to a tree farm) and got it set up in the living room, but all he really seems to want to do is play on the computer lately.  At least we got another family picture that I will post on the blog once I get it uploaded.
Sunday night there was a Christmas event in our small town I wanted to do with the family.  Ok, so there wasn't anything for the boys to do, and yes, they were bored, but still........it's family time, right? 
James is more vocal of course and made his opinion clear, while NingNing demonstrated his feelings by playing in the syrup from his pancakes and having the most hangdog, dreary expression on his face.  This is his version of "pouting".  He doesn't act up, doesn't have tantrums, doesn't get angry, just "suffers" through whatever it is until he can return to his beloved internet.  Finally, I got sick of looking at their glum faces and just told Jr to take them home.  I try to keep in mind that NingNing is not used to doing things WITH family and AS a family (a foreign concept to him), but as time goes on, we do and will expect more of him in this respect.

The next afternoon, I sat him down and had a "discussion" with him (I had the same talk with James).  I asked him if he knew why I was unhappy the previous night when I got home and he knew (James had warned him that they were in "trouble", lol!).  I told him exactly how I felt, that my boys tended to lend more importance to their computer and video games than family/family time.  I made it clear that family time is very important to me and I want to spend time with my sons because I love them. And while I understand that they are boys and love their electronics (he agreed with me that we allow him plenty of computer time), family comes first and families spend time together.  I also told NingNing that I love the Christmas season and want to make his first one special. 
Basically ended up by saying, if I get my much-needed family time...with NO pouting or fussing....then boys get their computer time; everyone's happy!  Remember, the old saying "If Mama ain't happy, NO ONE is happy!"  James, ever the quick wit, amended that to say "but the reason Mama isn't happy, is because the kids aren't happy, and their griping is what makes Mama unhappy in the first place!"  Found out later that Jr had a scaled-down version of the same talk with the boys before I got home with the girls that night, so they were "primed" for my talk,lol!

One thing that was sweet though, no matter what caused it...that night, after I came home, I was sitting at the kitchen table just thinking with my head on my arms.  NingNing passed by me, reached out, and rubbed my back as he went by, finishing up with a little pat; the first truly spontaneous (unasked for, unsolicited) gesture of affection and empathy.  And as a mom to teens, who dispense hugs, kisses, and affection as rarely as my chances of winning the lottery, I soaked it up.