Miss Judi's 4-year Gotcha Day today!

To remember how far we and Miss Judi have come, here is our original Gotcha Day post from March 1, 2009:

THEN

NOW - the shorter one :)

Sunday, March 1, 2009Gotcha!



It's 9:30 and do you know what I'm listening to??!! My new daughter laughing at my husband's antics in the bedroom when she's supposed to be sleeping. This is a miracle, guys, because up to now she's been one terrified kid! This was our day: we got to Kunming at about 11:35 am and met Jerry. He told us we would get Judi at 2:30 and that (get this!) they were bringing her to our hotel room! Then we discovered we needed the government fees in 4700 RMB so we had to rush to the bank and then went to eat at the BlueBird Cafe (it's great by the way!). We had a good lunch for about 200 RMB and it's right outside the hotel.


At 2:25 Jr and I looked at each other and couldn't remember if they said to meet in the lobby or they were coming to the room; I was so nervous I couldn't sit still! Finally, a little after 2:30 Dad went downstairs and sure enough here comes a knock on the door. They walked in with Judi; she is absolutely precious! She came in very nervous, remember we were told she knew we were coming and was ready??!! I don't think so! She sat on our couch but wouldn't let me or anyone touch her. She played with the stuff we gave her, but when the first lady left she started crying. She stopped again and kept playing but wouldn't maintain eye contact. Finally, we all came over to the desk and signed some stuff and the last lady and our guide slipped out. Judi didn't notice at first, but THEN she did. What ensued next was the temper tantrum of all eternity! She threw herself at the door, screaming and crying. She was also reaching for the door knob and the thing that locks the door. I stayed next to her, but she tried to slap and kick me away; I said "bu" at this point and she stopped trying to do that, but didn't stop screaming. Finally, about 30 minutes later, she wound down and settled back on the couch. Everything we gave her, she stuffed in that one corner of the couch and put a pillow over it. She's got a cold, too, and is on some kind of Chinese herbal medicine and guess what, amoxicillin!

After a while, she lay down, but suddenly popped up and looked at the window. She crawled up over the couch, laid across it and the window sill (we're on the 12th floor) and screamed for her nanny. I can safely say there appears to be nothing wrong with her intelligence! The things she can do are amazing! She does everything herself, even made up and took her own medicine; but she finally did let me put her water bottle top back on.

We had Dad and Jr go out and bring back food and I got her to eat a little; she kept going back to our couch and laying down. Then about 8pm we had a breakthrough! I got our Jazzy and her's matching pajamas out; it took a while, but she finally chose to change. She came to us in beautiful clothes, but 4 layers! She took all her own clothes off, but let me help put the jammies on (Yeah!!!). THen we laid the girls down in their sleeping bags. I got on the computer and all of a sudden I heard something incredible; she was laughing! She hadn't even smiled up to then! I snuck in and Jr was making her laugh by pretending to snore funny. Then they got into a pillow fight, Jazzy woke up, and now it's 10:30pm and we're all playing! She's still a little leery of me, but that will come; she appears to be a Daddy's girl right now. We're going to try to get these firecrackers to bed cause we're wiped; a long, emotional, up and down day! By the way, Judi's got the cutest little voice!

Snow Balls and Sunshine

Today was one of those days you want to etch in your memory.  Figuring out activities that everyone enjoys AND that Jaxon (NingNing) might enjoy as well as promoting bonding and attachment with us has proved one of the biggest challenges thus far. Last week, we got 10 inches of snow and school was out Thursday and Friday.

We visited one of Jaxon's friends yesterday and the other dad took some of the kids sledding while Jr and I went to Judi's basketball tourney.  The two boys, Zane and Jaxon, decided not to go.  Granted, it was pretty cold, but the other kids had a great time.  The boys spent their time "together" on their individual Ipods!  Like when kids are sitting next to each other, but text instead of talk.....

Then today, it warmed up very nicely, into the 40s.  On our way home from church, Jaz wanted a FSF, or Family Snow Fight.  So when we got there, Ning headed for his room, but everyone encouraged him and wheedled for him to come out, for "just a little bit", and he DID!  I thought he might, as he really does seem to enjoy playing in the snow, as long as it's not too cold.  He and I had fun slinging snowballs at each other (I was happy to show him my fun, silly side).  Then Jax and James built a "wall" of snow with shields and Dad and I pelted them from above.  Jaxon decided to be tough and shed his coat with all the activity, but did opt for gloves :).

Then all the kids decided to bury James in snow......and I grabbed the camera, as it is still so rare to snag a photo of Jaxon. After a couple hours, we all came in to warm up with a steaming cup of hot cocoa, something else we've found Jaxon loves!

Jax and Jaz
 

James was getting a little cold by this time!
 

Six Months!

Gong Xi Fa Cai!  or Happy Chinese New Year to all!
Goodness, time has flown...I didn't realize it'd been so long since I posted last.  January was a month of roller coaster emotions and events and on February 8th, we celebrated SIX months with NingNing!  We finally realized a lot of NingNing's issues this month is control....or the loss of it in particular.  There, other than going to school, and checking in with his foster family once in awhile, Ning (and friends) were pretty much allowed free rein.  They could do what they wanted, when they wanted for the most part. Here, we have control over every single aspect of his life.  Here, teachers email the parents with issues.  Here, we tell him when to go to bed, when to get up, when to brush teeth, where he is every minute of every day.  I know if I were suddenly thrust into this kind of situation, I would feel somewhat resentful and rebellious too! 
NingNing did start piano lessons, something he's asked for since coming home.  He seems to be enjoying it thoroughly and picking it up very quickly.

James continues to play varsity basketball; their team has an excellent record for a team with almost all sophomore starters.  We so enjoy watching him play and the whole team improve as the season winds down.  A couple games this week and we're off to Districts!

Jessica was nominated for Homecoming Queen in this, her senior year!  She did not win, but she looked beautiful in her royal blue dress.  She was extremely nervous, but carried it off like a champ.  This semester she's taking two college credit courses and is all set to head off to college in the fall, except that Mom still has tons of paperwork to fill out!

NingNing continues to be the most bonded with our little ones, Jaz and Judi.  He's really begun to enjoy doing things with Jazmin more as time goes on...she's so mature for her age and is a tomboy with a girly edge, so I think their personalities mesh well.  It's funny to watch them mess with each other and then to see them cuddled close on the couch together or the girls will drape themselves on NingNing and he never seems to mind very much.  Lately, he's also been making small gestures of affection to Jr, which is tremendous....he's not initiated any physical contact up to this point.

On Jan. 27th, we went to the Sanders' church and, with others, spoke on the topic of adoption.  We heard many wonderful testimonies about the different ways families can be built.  We let Ning spend the night with his friend (a gamble considering his recent difficulties), but afterwards he seemed to have a brighter outlook (at least until we had to get into some homework issues) and was trying more, though that is also when we reached out for attachment advice and support.

Today we had an amazing day for Chinese New Year!  We found a Chinese Christian church through some professor friends at UCM in our town and attended today.  It is a home church, but you could feel the faith of the people was SO strong and they spend a great deal of time studying the Bible in depth. It was a great environment to teach NingNing more about Christianity in an atmosphere he could understand.  We were made very welcome and they had a potluck afterwards with "authentic" Chinese food...it was incredible and I think NingNing appreciated some real "home" food. We also hoped it would allow him some comfort to be around his own language (and we got a taste of how Ning must feel every day - being the "different" ones) and open up a little more.  After eating, several college students from UCM showed up and we did a gift exchange and played Jenga.  I was happy to see NingNing participate willingly in all this and just have a good time.  They have this church once a month, and I think our professor friends will be terrific mentors and role models for NingNing.

Our school has arranged additional tutoring for NingNing after schools starting tomorrow to continue working on English, perhaps homework, cultural issues, and anything else they can think of.  It will make for a long day for him, but we're happy the school continues to work so hard in helping NingNing have the support he needs to be successful in school, something he didn't get in China.

This is my favorite picture so far!

James-to the left of #22 (facing you)

NingNing waiting for the game to be over so he can go home!

Our #20!

Ont eh

Emotions and Grieving

It is the hardest thing for a mom to see her children in pain, whether that pain be internal or external.  Perhaps, though, internal is worse, because you can't put a bandaid and ointment on it, give them a kiss, and make it all better.  And when you have NO IDEA of the inner turmoil an adopted child is experiencing, it is heartwrenching.  As NingNing works through some grieving issues (to protect his privacy, I won't go into intimate details), we struggle to understand and sympathize with him.

NingNing has the hardest time letting his emotions show.  For the first 4 and a half months, he did everything he could to NOT rock the boat.  He let us make all the choices for him, haul him hither and yon, put him in school, and generally didn't make waves.  And around Thanksgiving time, the "maintaining" started to crack a little, then a little more, and then a little more, until some real emotions finally pushed their way to the surface last Friday night.

It was a quiet breakthrough, but a breakthrough nonetheless.  No tantruming, no raging; his way is to shut the world and everyone in it...out.  We attempted to help him say how he was feeling, but I imagine that type of overwhelming emotion that is so strong you can't hold it in, simply cannot be put into simple words. We let him know we loved him, and were sorry he was sad, but that it was ok to have those feelings and miss parts of his China life. So many new things for him, new experiences, new everything.  And while we think it is all good and so much better than he had in China, to him it may not be.  People sometimes say these kids, especially the older ones, should be grateful.  Why??  Even if it is their decision to sign those papers, it is still a choice they make because they HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE.  So is that really a choice at all then?  And they don't get to choose their family; they have no say in who adopts them.  They have the ability to refuse to sign the adoptions papers in China, but when you've known someone for less than 24 hours, that's not exactly the basis for an "informed" decision.

We think he's done a remarkable job at finding his place in our family and figuring out all the dynamics involving a large family, navigating school, dealing with more rules than he's ever had in his whole life, and learning a whole new culture and language.  In the meantime, we'll just keep on loving him and have the "bandaids" handy.

Christmas Happenings 2012

Handsome boy!

NingNing's first Christmas Day was amazing.  Christmas Eve we all went to church, then to Applebee's for dinner.  Everyone was dressed up, even NingNing.  I managed to get a side shot, but that's all he allowed.

Christmas Day was even better. NingNing enjoyed all his gifts very much, especially the Ipod Touch, which he kissed upon opening.  We even got real kisses and hugs for that!  Another neat thing is we got him a K'nex set and he and Jr built this huge thing from it, but now won't let anyone take it apart to make anything else!

Christmas Eve Angry Bird pajamas!

The K'nex masterpiece!

He spoke a lot of English on Christmas Day, so now we know it's in there, he's just choosing when and where to use it.  At one point, he smacked his finger on one of his presents and mock moaned and groaned and said "oh my beautiful finger!!".  That cracked us all up and he and James could not look at each other without laughing.

Jessica got her Nook!

My "Mom" pin from NingNing

We finished up the holiday by spending the night in the city while our kids spent the night with friends (NingNing and James stayed with Seth's family) for our anniversary.  Had a quiet New Year's Eve at home with the kids; NingNing is going through a melancholy stage of post-Christmas letdown, missing his friends, boredom, and lack of sleep.  Also think he had some sensory overload from the busy days we had before New Year's, so he's been staying in his room more to get some quiet.  School starts back tomorrow, so it will be nice to get everyone back in the swing of things.  We also found a piano teacher for NingNing and he starts on the 8th of January; he is looking forward to that!  Hope everyone's holiday was wonderful; our first Christmas with NingNing truly couldn't have been better and he has decided he likes Christmas VERY much!

A Picture-Populated Post!

I was thinking of the secretary in the movie Mr.  Popper's Penguins , the one who starts almost all her words with the letter "P".  We are counting down to the Christmas program on the 20th.  For those who haven't read my earlier posts, NingNing's got a Xmas concert coming up.  He doesn't/didn't want to do it when he found it and got very mad/afraid/upset.  He "disappeared" inside himself for a few days, but has made a comeback :).  I had to bring it up again Friday to let him know we had to buy dress clothes for him, whether he chooses to sit with us in the audience or participate.  In any case, he will look good doing it, as we got shoes, pants, and a shirt (the nice shirt was his request, so maybe, just maybe there is hope ;).
The last few days he has been making a huge effort to communicate more with us, trying to actually tell us something or join in conversation with some carefully placed phrases, timed in such a way as to crack everybody up.  He has said "I don't like it",
"I don't know" (with a shrug and wide-eyed innocent look), "crazy" (referring to Dad and little sisters), "Mom", and "Ewwwww" (in reference to seeing his brother kiss his girlfriend, lol!).  We caught him out twice today also much to his amusement.  We were talking about something in Taco Bell, and he had the "I don't understand" look on his face....I said  "he knows what we're saying"....and he chuckled and nodded.  Then tonight, Jr says "Do you understand English?" to which NingNing says "No!" (see it yet?).  Jr says "If you don't understand English, how did you know to say NO?!"......NingNing grinning, dropping and shaking his head...he walked right into that one!  Too funny.......but we know he can understand A LOT now, so if we need to talk about something to do with him, we have to leave the room so he can't hear us!

Two of my special girls

My littlest special girl (who is an electronic whiz)

Teenage boys....need I say more?

NingNing loves our cat, Tux.  Here, he is trying to get Tux out from under the table!

Opening his first Christmas present (while keeping tabs on his computer game).  My aunt sends Christmas ornaments every year and the kids always love them.  NingNing was no exception.  When he opened his to find a jumbo jet, he got the point right away and laughed and laughed.  She wrote him a beautiful note, welcoming him to the family, which I read to him. 

Here it is...look right in front of his hand..it's a jumbo jet, symbolic of his journey across the ocean!

At one of James' basketball games

Same game...what a cutie (wouldn't he be embarrassed to read this?!)





Teaching the cat, Tux, and NingNing to play Phase 10

Jazmin's sweet little beagle, Brownie

4 months since Gotcha

4 months has passed.  Such a short amount of time, but when I think about it, it hardly seems we were ever in China, except that now we have our second son.

So where are we after 4 months?  Let's see.......
English........not happening as we'd hoped.  Ok, so I had SOME expectations that there'd be at least a measure of rudimentary communication by now.  I didn't take into account one's refusal to use English.  Now whether that is a reluctance to a)either draw attention to himself or b) a simple lack of desire to communicate with us (meaning attachment issues?), I don't know.  Teen adoption is a constant guessing game, because they've learned to hide and hold in their feelings.  I wish I could say NingNing trusted us, but the truth is I really don't know for sure.  Is he attaching/bonding?  I can't say yes and I can't say no.  How do you tell in a child who won't share any feelings?  Who tries to be so complacent (though that is changing a bit) so to be as unobtrusive as possible?

School.....it WAS going ok, until NingNing found out they wanted him to do the Christmas program with the other 8th graders.  The very idea sent him into a tailspin, so the school requested at the very least that he be present, but that he could sit in the audience with us.  We brought an interpreter in to try to understand his fear about the program.  We didn't find out a lot, just that the idea of having to perform in front of so many strangers has him completely stressed out.  He's just not ready for something like that.  After "disappearing" into himself all weekend, we saw some smiles tonight when we went to a friend's party. It's great to see when he relaxes and allows himself to have fun and let his guard down.  Most likely, we will go long enough for him to watch his classmates from the audience (unless he surprises us and agress to stand with his class), and then scooch out of there.

Siblings.....ok there, except that I think that James still intimidates NingNing somewhat.  Sometimes Ning is ready to take him on and wrestle and other nights, not.  Like most teens, Ning runs hot and cold.  What I mean is, one time he'll be smiling and having a good time, the next it's like "whoa, what happened?"  His and James' relationship will have to evolve in it's own way.
   Jaz used to be more standoffish with Ning and he with her, but not so much anymore....they are becoming closer with time.
   Judi continues to be his favorite......don't know if it's her spunk or size that draws him in, but they act the most like a "true" brother and sister (complete w bickering/squabbling).  N does think Judi talks too much, and sometimes, we agree!

Christmas.....he's not too interested at this point.  Have no idea what the holidays were like to him in China, if he had any at all.  I'm just about positive he had no Christmas there, so we wanted this first one to be special.  But as he seems more stressed out, we are keeping things pretty lowkey and relaxed. We have explained the idea of Santa Claus and that we keep the idea alive for our girls, and what Christmas day is about.  We also explained presents, but when asked what he might like as a gift, he says "I don't know"....a very refreshing comment from a teen!

Since we are pretty much out of the honeymoon phase for sure, we're learning to roll with the changes and taking things one day at a time.  Ning's pushing a few more boundaries to see what we'll do; what he can get away with.  More of his emotions are coming to the surface; we hope that means he's feeling safe and secure enough to express even those small amounts.  We know he is a pretty sensitive kid and there are deep emotions running through that quiet exterior, but he's very skilled at presenting an unruffled appearance.  He doesn't like to be blindsided; likes to know what's coming up...seems to work better if he knows what's coming and has time to process it in his mind.

It's like a ballroom dance, with no one real sure of the steps.  Sometimes we step on each other's toes, but the important thing is to keep dancing.