For our detractors, who said "you're crazy", when we announced we were adopting a teenager, this post will probably make them smile, pat themselves on the back, and say "I told you so".
But neither will I paint sunshine and roses all the time, when it's not.
At some point since my last post, things have changed. Not horribly so, but enough so that I, at least, am concerned about NingNing (even more so than before now). After the initial jump start of using English, that I posted about on the 12th, he quit again, for no apparent reason.
Then this weekend, he's acting like he's totally detached from us; won't engage, won't respond verbally at all; basically doesn't want anything to do with us. And it all started apparently because Jr got on his case a bit about deleting pictures from my camera (a BIG no-no). Now, if one of the other kids had done it, we probably would have yelled at them, because they know better. We know NingNing does not necessarily, so my husband simply asked him not to, but didn't smile as usual when he said it, so N would know he was more serious this time.
Since then, we've had this "detached" behavior. I discussed the incident with him last night and thought we resolved it; I told him I love all my kids and like to take their pictures so I will have them to look at when they are all grown up. Perhaps it upset him to be reminded of when he would be on his own someday? Perhaps the idea frightens him? Certainly understandable, but it's a fine line between allowing him some "space" and condoning rude behavior (ignoring us as much as possible all day). Is he a typical teen? Oh yeah! Teen attitude? Yeah, it's there! Are the rose-colored glasses beginning to crack? Definitely....
So here I sit, at 4am, typing, worrying, considering,thinking, worrying some more........if our bio son were acting this way, we'd let him have his space, but eventually demand at least a minimum of respecful behavior. We expect no less of NingNing at this stage of the process.
The biggest challenge is figuring out what the problem is when the person in question is not sharing their feelings; is he mad at us, mad at himself, both? Or is he depressed; sad; maybe missing when he celebrated holidays in China (though we know they didn't do much where he was). Or just maybe the whole family togetherness was too much; maybe he felt (even now) that he still didn't quite belong when we got on to him about the camera. It's like playing 20 questions, but with no real solution, and a lot more at stake.
Consider stepping "outside the box" and adopt a child...it will not only change that child's life, but yours as well.
6 comments:
He may not know why he's doing it. I know you already get this, but although he gained a family through adoption, he lost a lot as well. I would think that processing those losses all the while taking on the challenges of adjusting to all the new - new language, new people, new culture - would just overwhelm him at times. Add all that on top of all the normal teen stuff. Praying for wisdom for you and for peace.
Just want to say I am praying for you. Tough stuff...
What happened in his past when he got in trouble or was scolded? Perhaps he thinks if you are mad enough you will send him back so he is pulling away so it won't hurt him as much if you do?? Maybe plan a one on one date and have him make some plans for a future date so he is reassured his future is still with you???
You've got my number if you ever want to talk :). This too shall pass.
Ahhh, the rollercoaster! It's hard! Try not to spend too much time dwelling on why he's acting that way....it gives him too much control of YOUR emotions. Keep parenting how you know best--you were a good parent before he came, you will continue to be just as good. He can choose to be a family kid or a lonely kid each step of the way--I'd give him those options, we had that conversation SO many times with our son! It's complicated--all the emotions, loss, on top of normal teen stuff. Just my .02 and I really hope that no one would really be "happy" to see you in the struggles. Keep your chin up!
I can't generalize from my teenage son to yours, but just wanted to leave a note to say that we've ridden the rollercoaster too and lived to tell about it! We definitely felt like our son's adjustment went in cycles, two steps forward and one step back, whatever you want to call it. His relationship with his sister is still like that; some days he is the world's best big brother and other days he gets irritated by everything she does. But over time the good days are outnumbering the bad. He did experience some depression and anxiety. I think the worst of it for him was at about six months in, although more of it got dumped on us at about 12 months. And it took him some time to work through his wariness of adult men to bond with his father, and some time to trust that we will not throw him out. There wasn't much we could do to short-cut the process of trusting us, just parent him consistently, talk about how family works explicitly and matter-of-factly, and let him reach his own conclusions when he was ready. I did find that it helped to preface corrections with "I love you, but..." and that I had to be very careful not to touch him or yell at him when he was upset. I do think you're right on to require that your son respectfully acknowledge your existence, no matter the reason for his reluctance to interact. If you know what his "love language" is, is there something you can do to demonstrate love for him that doesn't require his cooperation? I'll be praying for you as I think of you...these sons are worth every bit of work and worry that it takes to parent them, but that doesn't make the work and worry fun!
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