Saturday, January 9, 2016
Ten Things I Wish I Hadn't Had to Learn
If you have followed our blog, you know that our adoption of our son, Jaxon, has not turned out to be a wonderful fairytale story. Ours is not the worst story I've heard and read about and for that we are thankful.
So the new year brings this reflection: what have I personally learned from these last 3 1/2 years?
1. That sometimes I am not the nicest person; that when I feel rejected, my own walls are erected.
2 That adopting a traumatized teen can seriously damage the strongest of marriages.
3. That love, in and of itself, cannot heal all wounds. Some simply run too deep.
4. That it is possible to survive a child never loving you, never seeing you as a decent person, thinking you are the reason for every problem in their lives. It changes you, hurts deeply, but you can survive it.
5. That you can love a person who will never love you back. It is HARD, very HARD, but you can do it.
6. That our boy is a mass of control and trust issues. He must perceive that HE alone controls his life. Any rules are met with instant suspicion and resistance. He doesn't want to need us, love us, care about us, or even talk to us most days. Even a simple suggestion can lead to a blowup of the attitude. Yet he is nowhere near capable of handling the heavy day-to-day decisions and details needed to live independently.
7. That our son can love and show affection.....to his pets. They are safe; they expect nothing back and give only comfort, love, and just want to be petted. Unfortunately, humans cannot thrive in a one-way relationship and I don't believe that's the way God intended for us to live.
8. That it's not entirely our fault, this lack of connection. We have tried, Lord knows we've tried, to connect with Jaxon in positive, healthy ways, in ANY way, to no avail. But of six children we've had in our home (including our exchange student), he is the only one to push us away so diligently and strenuously. To realize that one of your children is SO traumatized by their past, yet that past is SO buried in their own psyche, they cannot or do not want to retrieve it and FEEL it or feel anything for that matter, is heartbreaking when you cannot fix it and make it all better, as Moms desperately want to do.
9. That we have limits. The skills needed to truly help our son heal and be the amazing person I know he could be escape us. That, in the end, you cannot help a person who thinks they don't need help, that YOU are the one with all the problems.
10. That sometimes, you have to let go. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn, to just let go, to understand that perhaps our only purpose in Jaxon's life is to be a way station to whatever path God has in store for him.
It is my most fervent prayer that someday, somewhere, our son will rediscover his ability to love and care for another human being. Perhaps a very special, patient woman will come along, and he will finally feel safe enough to trust her with his fears, hopes, and dreams and fill up all those holes inside him.
I pray this prayer now for our son, Jaxon:
Ramblings from... Debbie